I suppose the reason I haven't posted anything in an age is because there is nothing for me to talk about.  Life is moving to quickly for me to keep up.  Change is good, in moderation.  The fact of the matter is I'm terrified of whats coming, no man can see his future; and if he could what could he do to prevent it?  I'm only months away from leaving all I know behind and starting down a long and seemingly hopeless road.  I'm afraid, deeply afraid of how my life will unwind.  A day to day toil, just to gather enough money to pay to live; and in the end I accomplish nothing.  I have no way to create a long reaching impact on our world.  Being a joke can only take you so far in life, and it seems I may be at the end of my road.  I intend fully to live my life to the fullest extent, of that there is no doubt.  I'm certain this melancholy will fade from me with sleep.

I've been happy,  numb; but happy.  The last days of the beginning of my real life are flying past my stunned eyes without a word of warning or goodbye.  I've spent a fourth of my life within those walls, listening to lectures on things that have happened, did happen, can happen, will happen, are happening as I right this.  Will it do me any good?  Has the system failed me?  I believe it may have, i'm not supposed to leave it doubting the usefulness of anything I've learned.  The only reprieve I get from this fear is in my dreams and books.  Places so impossible to reach.  I have thoughts, yet I cant write them properly.  Is it a muse I need?  An object, or being that will drive me to achieve above the average?  If so how does one find their muse?  All people must suffer what I'm going through, I'm not unique.  How many before me have felt a fear so... unbelievably stunning.  The knowledge that nothing I can do will help me to escape this path ahead of me.  We have free will, but what good is it if it's useless for survival in our world?

I have vague memories that are always brought to me by odd things.  A memory of running around in a circle to spin the giant playground wheel, enjoying it only because my sister was having so much fun being spun in circles.  I cant remember the last time I felt free like that.  Another memory comes to mind, a schools assignment.  We were to write stories about a bird.  All I remember is the teacher saying to another student "you cant just write 'Cheep cheep cheep' for the entire story".  I want to know why not?  That was his way of creating a fantasy, perhaps he imagined the bird singing and failed to place it on paper properly.  Or it could be he was to lazy to use his imagination to build a world. 

Imagination, maybe that's whats keeping the bitter taste in my mouth from driving me mad.  A small world within my mind where I can escape.  Imagination is the doorway to freedom.  It's the sun lighting the path ahead.  If I can keep a smile on my face and a picture of what makes me happy in mind then I just might be able to keep going in the day to day drudge that is life.

Do you feel like I do?  Are you as afraid as I am?  What are your happiest memories?

I think i'll talk about one of my oddest flaws today.
I'm jealous of things other people have.
No, not of their possessions
Of physical characteristics,
you may be thinking "well that isn't that odd" but it is
because I covet only one physical characteristic people's eyes.  I could care less how my face looks or if I have a terrible body.
No, not jealous of those things just eyes.
I want eyes like my friend Jon, piercing, scary blue, that seem to reflect the light that hits them.
Unlike my eyes, dull and blue-gray and they never glow, they just ind of absorb everything.  Their rather lifeless.
Or I wish I could have really deep green eyes, down to earth, yet feral.

Yet, I far from hate how I look.  If not a little bit overweight I've a fairly pleasing visage.
My hair, my mouth, and my throat are by far my best characteristics.
My hair though brown, shines bronze in sunlight and Black in moonlight which is fairly neat... or normal, I dunno.
and of my mouth and throat well, I just like how they look.


oh yes, one more thing


OBAMA BEEZ PREZ !!!!!!!!

So last night was the relay for cancer.  We went to encourage some people on (the Northstars team) and then some cop's came up to us at about 11:30.  "This park closes at 11:00 they said.  I proceeded to ask them about the run and all.  They, I guess, weren't up for question's as they said " You have to leave".  Now here's the curiosity, there were adults not in the relay hanging around and supporting the runners and walkers.  I'm just wondering what it is that puts them above us and allows them to stay, it seems to me they were discriminating against us because we were young.  We weren't out past curfew, we weren't wrecking anything, we weren't in the way. we weren't being loud.  It's bullshit, I'm sure these fucking pigs were wondering why I flipped them off and walked home.  Pisses me right off that's why.  According to Jared you can be arrested for flipping the bird at a dirty discriminating fucking cop, really I'd like to see them arrest me for it.  I'd a been real shithead if they would have. 
Fucking dicks.  That really gets me going.  what do they think we're gonna do?  Jesus it's a run for cancer, I'm not that low, OR that stupid.  Don't they think maybe I've lost a few people to that bloody disease?  Goodness, i'm ready to tear someone's head off.

Other than this the barbecue last night was pleasant, really quiet, relaxing.  My backyard is really nice to relax in.

Ok, So this was a great and long, long weekend. (I didn't mean to have the underline there) I spent most of it at west Ed.  Jared and I got Pearl Tea from this run down shop and we think it might have made us hallucinate a bit.  We were walking past the whale and Jared stops completely and reaches into the water and pulls out this colorful shell painted with a Pikachu on it.  Then this crab peeks out of the shell and we basically freaked out.  So we run to the sea life cavern to ask what you feed a hermit crab.  They said fish and shrimp. Then we told them about the crab in the whale pond and they said it would die.  So now we were on a  mission to save a life, so we bolt to a pet store and get a bag of water.  then we go back to the whale pond, and the crab is gone.  So we looked around in th pond for it for about an hour (imagine how high we looked with that bag of water walking around the whale pond). 

I'm bored, dunno when i work next and thats about it.

So tonight was my first night back at the big BJ.  I must say it was far from terrible.  In fact it might even have been enjoyable.  So I'm fairly happy I went back, I mean it's sort of like when I worked there before.
Yesterday I had a good hour long conversation with Jared about the old times.  I mean back in grade nine when it was just Keegan, him, Daniel, Tyler, Micah, and I.  Before any girls came into it, before any fights happened.  Back when it was just the guys, and every day we'd play a good game of basketball at lunch and just enjoy the times.  Now that I think about it, I really don't miss those days.  I mean nostalgia is good every once in a while and sure those were good times, but I don't miss them.  Maybe because I used to be the butt of quite a few jokes.  I dunno bullying doesn't bother me much anymore, but that's most likely because no one does it to me.  
I really don't know where I was going with that, I'm sure I had some crazy profound thought in the back of my head, but I lost it. 
So I'm gonna talk about ducks,  I love ducks.  Their so comical, what with their nasal call, and their crazy legs, and their up and down zig zag flight patterns.  Their my favorite bird by far.
Also, this summer we are having an epic bicycle jousting tournament.  I'm gonna try and make it as "medieval" as possible.  Every competitor will have a "squire" and a "suit of armor" most likely consisting of cardboard and plastic, the "spears" will probably be broomsticks,  I thought it was a good idea.
Well that's about all I know for now

When I wake up in the morning I have basically nothing to look forward to.  Is that bad?  Not at all, but I'm sure having something to be giddy about would be nice.  Maybe I'll hire someone to randomly jump out and attack me every day.  That would leave me with something to look forward to. 
Looking in the mirror I've found I have way to many facial expressions, I'm sure if i tried hard enough I could have a conversation with someone.  I was just looking and with the smallest twitch of the lip my face goes from  a pitiful expression to one of anger.  It's amazing.  Also I've noticed that if I look in a mirror at myself long enough I start to scare myself, and when I'm scared I look angry, and when my face looks angry I get even more scared.  It's an endless circuit.
Maybe it's something in my eyes, wouldn't that be neat!
I mean just  a look and you know exactly my emotions, unfortunately I doubt that.  My eyes are rather dull, their just gray and boring.  They look glazed over half the time, and the other half their closed.  I'm more than alright with that it makes me look wise or, thoughtless which would be much more accurate.
On my walk tonight there was a large amount of traffic, and every other vehicle the passenger's gawked at me as they drove by.  Why they would feel the need to stare with wide open mouths at a  lovely young man as myself I don't know.
Also, i'm wearing a poncho

that is all

I hate facebook games, I get #1 on all of facebook and what happens?  I lose it to some girl :'( It's truly upsetting
Also, I'm uninspired and fairly lethargic, I need a job and I need to make 200$ in a month but really I'm not thinking I will.  I think I'll ask my mom to lend me money, then get a job when I get back and pay her what she gave me plus 10% interest. 
Number on rule in life is not to get in debt, but it's my mom right?
Anyway, why on earth are we forced to take C.A.L.M?  I don't do anything in that class, I certainly haven't learned anything I didn't already know.  It's a waste of time, and much to easy.  I haven't handed anything in other than two assignments and my module exam and what's happening?  I'm still passing and with  a better mark than people that have handed everything in.
My sister just handed me some nail polish, I tried to open it and failed miserably, then she tried again and it went no problem.
I'm a big baby.

That is all(for now)

So last night i went to kayla's b-day, drove all over, got stalked, ate donut holes, and sweet talked my way into a free drink.  It was an eventful night and fairly fun, but that isn't my story.  I slept on Jared's bed, and in the morning I woke up to the song Hair of the Dog by Nazareth.  Do you know how badass you feel waking up to that song?  Well you feel REALLY badass, thats how you feel.  No joke.  Anyhow I then went upstairs and proceeded to hit Jared every five minutes until he woke up, its crazy how many times you can hit a person if you give them enough time in between for them to fall back asleep.  Cruel I know, but oh so fun. 
Anyhow his household didn't wake up until about  ten so I was left to hit him until about 9:30. 

We then went to Costco to find a car battery, which we didn't find there.  what don't they sell at Costco?  Drugs, thats about it, but let's continue.  We then went to Canadian Tire and got a battery, and in the first 5 minutes in there jared made fun of 4 different people.  Including someone we used to hang out with.  Which I thought was fairly rude... but who am I to say whats rude I mean I'm the same way 70% of the time.
Anyways, we also needed a window.  Why? because Jared's car's got bashed out by a bunch of idiot kid's.  Why on earth would you feel the need to ruin a bunch of vehicles, I mean there isn't even anything to steal.  Stupid mindless destruction, all because of these stupid rich little bastards that get their parents to buy them their vehicles.  They don't know the cost of anything excluding the costs of alcohol and food.  It's ridiculous and pisses me right off.

that is all

I just got raped out of 5$ in a poker game, worst part is my dad is the one that beat me out.
Oh well, although that 25$ would have been nice for my B.C trip next month
I mean I need 200$ by then.
 

Oh Damn it!  I had just typed out a wonderful and quirky little blog entry when in my idiocy I pressed some silly key combination and the browser went back a page.  Awfully infuriating, makes me want to throw this here keyboard about two feet to my left until it hit the end of it's cord and snaps to the ground.  Luckily though, mindless destruction isn't my style. 
Anyhow, it is terribly annoying to be a teenager with these hormones and whatnot.  Always causing me to think of girls, and explosions, and other silly things.  I mean I have some amount of self-control much more than most but I just can't seem to keep control for longer than a day. 
I mean with all this junk on my mind however am I to succeed? 
Though in our world, to "succeed" is to make a bunch of money, own so much junk that you scarcely have enough time to use even an eighth of it, and order people around as though they were lesser creatures. 
Perhaps it is some sort of salvation, maybe It's saving me from being an awfully rude person,yet if I were to be capable of harnessing all this energy and mind power I waste on these goofy things I could accomplish some sort of good.  Of course this is just one of those times during which I have a small amount of self control. 

Excited, the one word describing my innermost feeling.  May 2, Iron Man, I am extraordinarily excited.  It looks amazing, I've watched every commercial and preview for it at least four times each. 
Also, last night on my walk I sat down in a quiet little place and thought, once I reached home I realized just how nice that place was and I will now refer to it as my "Haven". 
Also, I cant wait for Iron Man
I'm currently watching Gossip Girl with my sister, and some emo lookin girl drugged a preppy lookin girls drink and I believe there is gonna be a date rape.


That is all

This evening I walked without a purpose for an hour.  I ended up at Smeltzer House on a bench.  I sat there for a half hour, and during this hour I experienced a feeling of almost pure joy.  Don't know why, maybe it was the rabbit running up to me and sitting in front of me.  Or just the weather, either way it was great.  I forgot about everything around me and just kind of zoned out.  Until Kelela called me to ask about my drunken phone call last night, then Jared called to tell me about his sister's recital.  After this I just walked home. 
Now I feel kind of blank, kind of out of it. 
I hate it when people I'm not super close to are unhappy, because I know I can't just bring it out of nowhere. It's weird and kind of  a pain in the ass.  I mean id love to be there and comfort them, but I cant. 
I dunno, maybe I'm just.
Bleh

thats about it

I look charming today, maybe its because i'm wearing all blue, maybe because I have a sudden burst of self esteem.  Whatever it is it makes me feel pretty happy.  Josh brought rock band over last night and basically I rocked out until about 4AM then woke up at 7 to watch my brother...
So I'm going to dinner with Jared sonia brad and bre tonight...  yaaay...
normally it ends up with me as the butt of some stupid joke their telling that I dont get.  Im really starting to feel I dont fit in with them anymore and it's kind of upsetting me.  It's of no matter though because I look sexy :D

also Im uber pumped for may 2
Iron Man

YAAAAAAY! I finally purchased new glasses, meaning I no longer have to wear the pair being held together by only super glue.
This also means I now have a choice between my rectangle rimmed glasses and my oval rimmed glasses!
meaning I have yet another choice to make in my semi-conscious state in the morning.
Woo...!
So this Friday i'm going on a triple date...

problem is, i'm a fifth wheel
So that should be a real party... not
Whatever at least were going to a movie where it doesnt matter if im completely disregarded ill have the film to keep my attention

so either were going to see Forgetting sarah marshal which is a drama comedy love comedy thing... but it has my favorite actor from how i met your mother

OR we go see that jackie chan/jet li movie

Both brad and jared are whipped so it'll probably be sarah marshal

Oh well

It's official my C.A.L.M class has scared me into getting a job, because apparently if I dont get one and save ALL the money I will never succeed in life.  Well I dont want to fail ...much so I am now officially looking for a job.  It's not going to well so far.. I mean.. I'm at home... Typing this.

On a birhgter note In Comm tech today I finished my screen for my transformers shirt

So I dont know why I need facebook, nexopia and other assorted websites that all seem to have the same concept, and content. Yet, I am constantly joining new versions of these sites, to this day I havent made a myspace... but I'm sure it's naturally going to happen.  I think I just like all the different pretty logo's of each site, or maybe I've been hypnotized to one day become King of the online friend site.  Whatever it is it cant be good for my social life. 
In brighter news im eating pepperoni and it's absolutely delicious.
I'm really tired all of a sudden and kind of dizzy, maybe i'm having a stroke.   think maybe that'd be an experience i'd never forget.

Hazaa
It's monday
Terrible, Grey, Plain, Lame Monday
I have further developed a little story in my head, it has something to do with floating pirate ships and rebellion against mean people.  No idea where it came from, I think up little epic stories sometimes when im bored, their usually alot better than the one's I write because their like movies.
I havent written for a long while, I tried to continue multiple stories and it just isnt happening, lack of inspiration I suppose.
OH!
but I DID go on Facebook and draw the best superhero ever conceived on Graffiti
Thats right
Iron Man
Awesome I know    Im crazy excited for this movie though, RACHEL YOU WANNA GO SEE IRON MAN ON MAY.2?